Shaun and I had decided several years ago that our family of five was complete. I had no desire to have any more children and felt very content with my three bundles of joy. Then one day I started having the usual signs of pregnancy. I took a test and it was positive. For a brief moment I felt frustrated. I thought this stage of life was done. Yet here I was holding a stick with two lines that proved otherwise. Shaun was just as surprised. Both of us struggled with a roller coaster of emotions. After some time to process, the excitement started to take over. The miracle of life and an addition to our family began to be real. I went to the doctor with excitement but left in tears. When doing the ultrasound she could not find the baby or heartbeat. No sign of life. I was devastated. She wanted to do another ultrasound in a few weeks. In that time I had hope. I felt it gave God time for a miracle and of course we knew the doctor could be wrong. This was the beginning of my darkness although I did not realize it at the time. I did what many of us do. I made a huge mistake. I took matters into my own hands.
When I got home I threw myself into trying to solve my problem. I went to the internet. Why not? All information comes from the computer, right? I found story after story of women who had been in my situation yet the doctor was wrong. They had an empty uterus at their ultrasound and when they went back there was a baby. Wrong dates, hidden baby, faulty ultrasound…you name it. I found hope. Then I looked up my symptoms. Everything the internet said I should be experiencing, I did. I felt exactly the way I did with previous pregnancies. My hope grew. Next was the prayer and Bible strategy. I found scripture to support my desire. I recruited those who had a reputation to having their prayers answered to pray for me. I had spiraled into a pit of obsession. I could not sleep and I barely ate. I would get up in the middle of the night and fall to my knees and beg for a miracle. I would take 3 or 4 showers a day so that I could cry and pray in privacy. I remember so clearly reminding God that I had not wanted this and had actively prevented pregnancy. Since He sent it my way, surely He owed me a miracle. I went to my husband day after day asking him how he felt it was going to end up... as though he could foresee the future. We prayed as a family and as a church. I thought, prayed, and talked about nothing else.
One day, during one of my shower prayers, I felt so frustrated. I bounced from knowing God was going to answer my prayer to being in the depths of despair. This particular day, I fell on the floor of the shower and I looked up to the ceiling with anguish. As I prayed, I felt God was not there. I screamed in a whisper of hurt, “Where are you?” I thought God had left me. I did not care what the Bible said about God “never leaving me or forsaking me.” I did not want to hear how “all things work for good.” I wanted a God who parted the red sea, healed the blind, and raised the dead to give me a miracle. For the first time in my life I was at war. Not with the enemy but with God. This battle became more of me wanting my way than about the baby. I was in a tug of war match with God and felt every bit of His resistance. The lesson of surrender was the hardest struggle of my life.
Reflection: I can now look back and see the danger of having an expectation that is not in God’s will. I can share lessons from this time because I am no longer in the battle. I realize now I did not trust God to be God. I wanted to be God in my life. If you are struggling today, I urge you to reflect. Make a list of times God has come through for you in a big way. Also, reflect on times when things did not work out like you expected and ended up being best.
Response: I encourage you to read about Sarai in Genesis 16. She wanted a baby and went outside of the will of God to get what she wanted. When we try to control things, we only cause pain.
Also, look at the crucifixion in Matthew 27. If I could go back to this time, and give myself biblical advice, it would be to read the account of the crucifixion every day. Christ suffered in a way I never will, and in His suffering, salvation’s plan was accomplished. I focused on my sorrow and never looked at His.
Lastly, you cannot trust your circumstances. You have to trust the God of the circumstances. Start with Galatians 5:22. Learn the charter of God. You have to know God is good, love, kind, patient and gentile no matter what is happening in your life. Knowing God will give a security that is not found in our blessings or burdens. The only way to know Him is to read His word. Do not read it looking for answers to your problems. When you read it, search for Him... just Him.
This post details the foundation of my hope being shattered. I had built up my expectation and never considered that God would tell me no. I was filled with anger and wanted to give up on everything. Next, I will share with you how I felt God hurt me on purpose. And how I struggled with the following: What do you do when you feel tormented by the One who is supposed to love you most?
By April Minnix, daughter of the King
Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.