My roller coaster of emotions were killing me. To say I was obsessed is an understatement. I kept having my shower prayer times. While begging God for a miracle I had to go to the doctor every few days to have my hormone levels checked. The doctor said that once the levels started to drop, a miscarriage would soon follow. This began what I call my “couch time.” I sat on the couch and did nothing. My husband had to work for the church and the house. The kids were pretty much on their own. I justified my time because I was at least in the living room. I had planted myself by my big bay window. I would look outside and see the life moving. The squirrels beginning to gather nuts. Birds hopping from branch to branch. It was about to be fall, my favorite season. Yet, I sat at a window and watched the gray fall over my world. Nothing seemed to be real. Everything seemed like it was in slow motion. Nothing good. I kept telling God, If you answer this prayer, then all will be well. This one thing I wanted. My miracle. If He delivered, then I would get off the couch.
While I waited from week to week on my hormone test, I came across a story of a women who went to the doctor and her hormones had risen. They did another ultrasound and found a healthy baby. A medical anomaly. That is all I needed. I went to my alter in the bath tub and fell on my face. I asked God one last time to give me a miracle. I clearly said, “God, when I get the results of my blood work I want the nurse to call and tell me my hormones have risen, the doctor doesn't understand, and for me to come back in.” With this I would be able to experience a miracle. I would feel loved by God in an incredible way and I promised to shout it from the mountain top.
That Friday, the nurse called with my hormone levels. With no exaggeration, I must share that she repeated to me word for word what I had uttered to God in the shower two days before. I felt like God had called me. A private conversation to my God had been answered in the exact way I had requested. My hormones were up and the doctor wanted me to come in on Monday. I felt like I was floating that weekend. I knew with all my heart that God had answered my prayer and I was getting my miracle. It was amazing. Then Monday came…
I went to the doctor to only be left with the devastation of an empty womb. God had not only chosen to not give me my miracle but He used my words against me. I was shocked and broken. I was left with a flood of emotions. I grew up in a Christian home. I have been a believer since childhood yet I felt lost. The God of all comfort had broken my heart. He took my private prayers and built up my hopes. I was hurt by the One who was supposed to protect me.
I always knew bad things happen and God walks us through them. I had many of these experiences. However, I had never felt God sent the hurt. Allowed it? Yes. Sent it? No. My hope and trust was shattered and I was a mess.
Reflection: Now as I look back on this very dark day, I see God. I always want to be honest in my testimony. When I was going through it, I did not see Him. If you are reading this today and you feel abandoned by God and feel like He has caused unimaginable hurt, you are not alone. That is exactly how I felt. Yet here I am sharing my story. I encourage you to read Job. God allowed Satan to attack him because he walked with God. Unimaginable hurt. His wife wanted to give up. And that is where I was left, a pit of defeat. It is a lengthy book so if you struggle reading your Bible, then find a good Bible study. I recommend Grace For Every Trial by Betty Henderson. This study helped bring me healing. It is not very long but very good.
Response: What to do today? A Bible study takes time. How do you stop yourself from giving up today? All I knew to do was to go back to my shower and pour out my heart. I let God know my anger. Many times, I am thankful He can take it. Also, reach out. I had no one I felt I could talk to about this. I was a pastor’s wife and I was supposed to have it all together. So if you are reading this today and feel you have no one, you have me. I will not judge but love you.
Resources: Next, listen to lots of sermons and podcast. I found the Mud-stories, a podcast where Christian ladies testify about their dark times. This made me feel not so alone. Listen to lots of sermons on sermonaudio.com or reachingroanoke.com. Also, this podcast series, Quieting the Noisy Soul helped me. Though I was hurt I did not want to stay there. My mom has always said I am stubborn… In my darkness, this quality became my life line. DON’T GIVE UP!
Next week: I will share how my hurt from God caused me to doubt that He even existed. Everything I had ever believed, I confronted head on. Did I believe because this is just what I have always known? Or did I trust the Light of the World to be my light in my darkness?
By April Minnix, daughter of the King
2 Corinthians 1:3 & 4
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort; Who comforters us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.